I am so jealous one moment although that first physical pang of jealousy stays in my stomach for hours.
Then I am realizing what emotion I always feel. Unfulfillment. I guess it's not a real word in this form but it works because whatever it is, it is. It is something that won't leave, it's always here. It makes everything lacking, dull, graphite pencil. I'm avoiding "empty". It has been used too many times before with not quite the level of meaning I wish to convey. Words won't help me now though. Only pictures and songs can try to explain so here is what I heard when I felt something:

Before I felt anything. Just cute.

Antsy Pants Vampire
Juno OST

Then I felt like listening to this song because I remember it taking over me this one time I was parked in someone's gravel driveway sitting in the car looking at the raindrops falling on the windshield and then putting my head on the steering wheel and thinking about the air in my lungs, feeling sort of alive. Then thinking about how someone used this song to get over a relationship and they listened to it on repeat and I wanted to remember them and think about how much I missed them and how jealous I felt about some petty thing having to do with them.

The Dandy Warhols The Last High
Welcome To The Monkey House

Then this came on and it closely matches whatever it was that I felt. It reminds me of Waking Life, of floating through the air, feeling aimless and lost, in a never ending pattern, and not caring much more about it for any longer. And because this reminds me of Waking Life I might have to find my favorite part in the movie and show it to you.

Grizzly BearMarla
Yellow House

This Sigur Ros song followed right after to pick up on my emotions more. Like that strange floating feeling, and the feeling that some truths are unfolding, and some dark days are going to come and some hard rain is going to fall, and then boom I'm jealous, I'm conflicted, I'm missing him terribly, I'm terrified of what my existence has come to mean, I'm scared of days ahead, I'm so blank, and all is quiet and I'm floating again, forgetting what I needed to remember and pay attention to.

Sigur Ros I Gaer
Hauf/Heim

A few hours later the feelings subside. I have someone to talk to. I am feeling a little better. And there's a part about "pretty soon I would be in your arms" and a comforting voice and sort of reminds me of myself if I was happier and had someone to see when I am feeling like this. It's a song that is like the next morning when everything is forgotten or thought of as silly and pointless and the sun is out.

Julie Doiron I Left Town
Woke Myself Up

Part from Waking Life that I like:



"If you can wake up you should, because one day you won't be able to."

I got car.

Yar. The other week I bought a 1993 Mercedes Benz 300 CE coupe. It's super nice, and in really good shape with low miles. But alas, I think it's a gas guzzler. I didn't really have a choice at that point though. My parents were pushing me to get it because it's heavy and safe and reliable and whatever else it is that parents care about.

Theme song for owning a car:

The Cars Here In My Car